Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
