Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
