What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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