I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just puked most of my soul out..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
