Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
