I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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