just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
