weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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