thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
