genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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