he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How drunk are you?
Completed.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
