i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have fence marks all over my body
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
