i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
