I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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