Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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