I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
