Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
