i think my tv is drunk
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
