Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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