also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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