I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
