I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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