The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
