any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
