You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
