I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
why do cheetos always look like penises
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
