I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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