I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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