is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
