He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
