Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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