woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
