I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
