i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
