WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
