Umm I'm too high to move.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
