The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
