she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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