Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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