jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
