I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
