I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
