This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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