I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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