T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
