at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
