is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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