i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
