Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
