ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
