fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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