I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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