It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
