checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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